


All That Matters

by The_Plaid_Slytherin



Series: Homecoming [1]
Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-04
Updated: 2011-11-04
Packaged: 2017-10-25 16:58:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/272623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Plaid_Slytherin/pseuds/The_Plaid_Slytherin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill adjusts in stages to Saul being a Cylon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	All That Matters

**Author's Note:**

> Part of the same universe as 'Homecoming.'

**I.**

I don't know what he is.

Every time I think about it, it turns my stomach. I can't stop crying, can't wash the foul taste out of my mouth; every time I think about how I let it touch me…

Thirty years. I loved him for thirty years, and he was a Cylon the entire time. I can't stop thinking about the horrors I saw during the war, what they were doing to those people… but then there's Saul. Is Saul the result of that? Is he those people sewn together, into the shape I love so much?

I vaguely register Lee coming into the bathroom, dropping down next to me. "Here, Dad, come on," he says, in a soothing voice, and he helps me to the toilet so I can throw up.

He doesn't let the blood bother him (I don't even remember cutting my hand). "I'm so sorry," he murmurs, once I've emptied the contents of my stomach. "I know he was your best friend."

He doesn't know, I realize, then. Doesn't know what Saul was to me. "More than that," I mutter. "He was… everything, he was my…" Why can't I say it? "We were…"

"Oh, _oh_ , Dad." He hugs me. "Dad, I'm sorry, I didn't know."

This just makes me cry harder. "I loved him," I manage to choke out.

"I know," says Lee quietly, and I have to admit he's doing a good job of hiding the fact that he's just experienced a second shock. I hope that one day we can talk about this, so he understands, though in hindsight, it seems that I left his mother for a Cylon.

He stays with me until I fall asleep, which I'm grateful for. We haven't always gotten along, but he's a good kid.

 

 **II**

The next few days are a blur. I don't remember much of it. The next thing I'm aware of is being awakened by the comm buzzing.

I fumble for the receiver. "Adama," I mutter. Everything's still a little fuzzy.

"Bill?"

The voice on the other end of the line makes me freeze. "What do you want?"

"I want to talk." I know that voice—he's been crying—at least, he's been programmed to cry. "Can I come in?"

"Who let you out of the brig?" It's hard to hold my anger in.

"Lee," he says in a small voice. "He came to see me. We talked."

I sigh. "Come on in."

The door opens a second later and I sit up. "Make it quick," I tell him. My gun's on the desk. I eye it speculatively.

Saul sighs. "Bill, please listen to me." He looks like he's on the edge of breaking down himself. "I love you."

"No, you don't," I snap. "You're a __machine__. Machines can't love."

He swallows hard, looking like he's fighting back tears. "I just know what I am, Bill. I know how I feel. It's the same as I've always felt. You saved my __life__ , Bill. I swear I'd be dead if it wasn't for you—"

"You're a Cylon! You have no __feelings__. You have _programming_. That's it."

"I know you're hurt," he says. He takes a tentative step forward and I go for my gun. He freezes, eye wide. "Bill..." he whispers.

"Don't come any closer."

He nods. "Okay. I won't. You can shoot me if you want. I don't care. I'd die for you, Bill."

"Why?"

He gives a little half-smile, the one I've always loved. "Because I love you."

I pull the trigger. He flinches, then looks over his shoulder to see where the bullet's gone through a table lamp behind him. A tear slips down his cheek. "Knew you couldn't do it," he says softly.

I break down, then, dropping into my desk chair and letting go of the gun. I don't even know if I meant to hit him or not. He's there instantly, pulling me into his arms.

"Shh," he murmurs. "I'm here, Bill. Not going anywhere unless you want me to." He kisses my hair.

"I love you," I manage to choke out. "If I didn't love you, this wouldn't be this hard."

"I know."

He holds me like this for a long time before he says, "I know I won't hurt you, Bill. I don't know what kind of… programming… I have, but I do know how I feel, and how you feel, so what's wrong with that?"

"Not a thing," I murmur, gripping the comforting fabric of his uniform. He tilts my head up so he can brush my tears away and kiss me. "Not a thing."

 

 **III**

I wait until he's asleep before slipping out of bed. I take a moment to study him, relishing the rush of warmth I feel when I look at him. It's all biological. Maybe what he feels is no different, just mechanical.

It feels weird that this incident should affirm my feelings, but it does. I kiss his temple, but he doesn't wake.

I'm in love with a Cylon. For a moment, I think back to Helo on Kobol, and how that could have been me. I think I need to see him, say something—apologize.

I look back over my shoulder at Saul before leaving.

I feel a little guilty for waking Helo when he comes, bleary-eyed to the door of the quarters he shares with his little family, but I won't be able to rest until we've had this conversation.

"I'd like to talk," I tell him. "Regarding a personal matter."

"Of course, sir." He yawns, still shrugging his jacket on. "Where should we go?"

We head for the observation deck, one of the most relaxing places I know on _Galactica_.

"Sir?" Helo looks at me, clearly confused.

"I wanted to talk to you," I say, easing myself down onto one of the steps. "About… about your wife." I've wanted to talk to him about this, but I'll have to tell him about me and Saul first. Nobody knew a week ago; now, Lee and Helo both will.

"About Sharon?"

I sigh, running my hand through my hair. "I wanted to talk to you because now I find myself in… a similar position."

Helo raises his eyebrows. "You mean Colonel Tigh? It must be such a shock to find out your XO's a Cylon."

"It's more than that," I tell him. "The Colonel and I are…"

He realizes instantly. "Sorry, sir, I didn't know."

"I didn't expect you to. I just thought maybe…" I pause. "Maybe you might understand. Given the, uh, situation."

He nods. I feel bad putting him in this spot, but there's nobody else I can talk to about this—nobody who's experienced it. And he's a lot more experienced at it than me on how to love a Cylon.

"Um, sorry, sir, can I ask, um, how long you and the Colonel?"

"Thirty years," I tell him. "It's a shock I'm still dealing with. I can't believe that all that time, he was…"

"I know." He stops. "With Sharon, I didn't have that much of a chance before I knew what she was. I mean, I loved her before that, and I was horrified when I found out, but… I still loved her. There's still that disconnect sometimes, but I know I love her."

I frown. I've heard his story when we first got back from Kobol. He gave signed statement, which I read about a hundred times. At the time, I didn't understand. It made about as much sense to me as falling in love with, well, a toaster.

"I know what you mean," I say. "I almost shot him."

He smiles weakly. "I _did_ shoot her."

We share a moment of odd commonality before he continues. "Does anyone else know?"

"Not yet," I reply. "Just my son."

He nods. "It's probably easier when you don't have people staring at you, wondering what's wrong with you. It's better with the alliance. People might be getting more used to seeing Cylons."

"But they're not used to…" I can't even say it.

"No, they're not, but…" He shrugs. "Admiral, we may be the first, but we won't be the last. If we integrate the Cylons into our society, there'll be more marriages, more relationships. Somebody's got to be first."

I don't feel like a trailblazer. I don't want to be.

He keeps going. "I mean, Sharon's proven herself a million times, and the Colonel, the Chief—they're all people I'd trust my life to."

I break in suddenly, voicing the concern that's been plaguing me. "What about her feelings? Do you ever… wonder about them?"

He smiles. "Whether it's all programming? It's not. I know it's not. She was never a sleeper agent. She always knew what she was. And even for the ones who didn't," he adds, seeing my face, "they can still form relationships. Sir, I can almost assure you, he may not be human, or have had the past you thought he did, but you two really did meet and…" He stops, looking embarrassed. "That can't be faked. Sharon would know more than me, but I'm sure his feelings are genuine."

I don't know how Helo can be so sure, but I'll take his word for it, mostly because I want to.

"I hope you're right," I say.

"I think I am," he says. "They say the Final Five are different, somehow. Maybe it means they have different programming from the others. Did he say how he knew?"

I shrug. "He said he just knew he was a Cylon, nothing more."

Helo nods, then stifles a yawn.

"I'm sorry to drag you out of bed."

"No," he says quickly, "don't be. I have to say, sir, I kind of appreciate that there's somebody else I could talk to, too. There's never been anyone I could discuss this with."

"Well, I'm happy to be of service." I've always liked him, but I feel that tonight we've come to a new understanding. "I really appreciate it."

"You and the Colonel, I'm sure you'll make it." I like how confident he sounds; it's much more than I feel. "It took us a while, but eventually, Sharon and I… we worked it out."

I think of Saul, back in my quarters, asleep in bed, not knowing where I've gone. I can tell Helo's thinking of Athena, so I say, "I'll let you go, Captain. Thank you for this. Maybe we can do this again sometime."

"I'd like that, sir." He shakes my hand firmly and we part. When I enter my quarters, I find Saul sitting up in bed.

"Hey," I say, "go back to sleep. Everything's fine."

"Where were you?"

"Nowhere." I stoop to kiss the top of his head, then strip to join him in bed. I slide in next to him, slipping my arm around his waist. I love how he snuggles against me. It makes me feel so secure—I don't even think of what he is. It doesn't matter. He's just Saul. Whatever else he is doesn't matter.

"What're we going to do next?" he asks sleepily.

"Look for someplace to settle down?" Absently, I trace patterns on his exposed shoulder. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted."

"Don't be." He sounds surprised. "Wouldn't have expected you to react any other way. _I_ sure as hell wouldn't have reacted any other way. Gods know I didn't take it too well finding out what I was."

I've never thought of that, how Saul must have reacted to find out he was a Cylon himself. He has all these memories of killing Cylons, has always hated them. I press a kiss to the back of his neck. "I'm sorry."

"I think I've more or less adjusted," he says. "Seeing it all there, seeing Earth, getting flashes of memory—it made it a bit more real. I'll probably never know all of it but I've made peace with it."

I nod. Maybe one day, I'll ask him what he saw down there, but I'm not ready to hear it yet, not ready to be so viscerally reminded of how different he really is. I know part of me is still pretending he's human and that I'll eventually have to accept that he's not. But it's kinder this way, and I want him to be comfortable.

"I meant what I said, Bill," he continues. He turns so he's facing me. "I'll stay with you as long as you want me."

I want to tell him I'll need him forever, but I can't. Instead, I just say his name and hug him tight. "I don't deserve you," I mutter.

He laughs. "I could say the same thing."

"So." I grin. "We don't deserve each other? Lucky bastards."

He brushes his thumb against my lips. "Definitely. All the places I could've ended up after I left Earth—however I got to Caprica—I'm just so glad I found you."

When I found out he was a Cylon, I assumed his mission had been to seduce me, to somehow infiltrate the military, even though when we met, I was nothing more than an ambitious freighter rat. Now, the enormity of Saul's past hits me and I realize how lucky I really am.

One day, I'll tell him that, once I've adjusted a little more. I think back to what Helo said about there being more marriages between Cylon and human and I wonder if maybe, one day, when we've settled down, I'll be ready for something like that.

I'm about to say something else, but I realize Saul's asleep.

I still can't get my head around it, even as I watch him sleep. He's a machine. But I love him. Maybe this is that disconnect that Helo's talking about. I keep looking for the flaw in him, the giveaway that he's not human. But he's perfect—his warmth, the rise and fall of his chest, the way he twitches slightly in the early stages of sleep.

I don't know if he was born or built, but I don't care. He's Saul. That's all that matters.

 

  
 **IV**

We leave the landing site hand in hand. It's a beautiful day. I haven't thought that for such a long time, and I can't keep the smile from my face. I catch Saul's eye and he swings my hand, giving me a goofy grin.

"So?" he says. "What do you think?"

"It's amazing," I say. "Perfect."

He adjusts his pack and raises his free hand to shield his eye from the sun. "We could go anywhere," he says. "Do anything." He turns to look at me. "The world is our oyster, Bill. What do you want to do?"

I take a moment to watch the others heading toward the growing camp. I catch sight of the Agathons, Hera running in front of her parents. It's good that that kid is going to grow up someplace she has room to run.

Helo and Athena see us and wave. We wave back.

I suddenly remember something Helo said to me months ago. I turn to Saul. "Let's get married."

His eye goes wide. Clearly, this was not what he was expecting me to say. "You… what?"

"We don't have to if you don't want to," I say quickly. "I just thought—"

He leans in and captures my lips in a deep, long kiss. When I'm just beginning to realize that people are staring, he pulls back and says, "Bill Adama, I would _love_ to marry you."

I smile and his grin widens. He turns to the nearest person who happens to be Hot Dog. "We're getting married," he says, smiling stupidly. "Me and him, we're getting _married_."

"Congratulations," says Hot Dog, looking rather bewildered.

"Come on," I say, dragging Saul away.

He snickers. "Already embarrassing you, am I? 'Cause it only gets worse from here."

"What do you mean?"

"Well." A dark look crosses his face. "I'm a Cylon. You might not want to be married to me, Bill. I don't know how well this new society's gonna work."

I squeeze his hand. "We'll be okay. We've made it work this far." Truthfully, this is the longest I've gone without being reminded of what he is. I didn't think about it once today.

We come to our tent, which will eventually, hopefully, be our house. He drops his pack on the ground and stretches. "I'm just making sure you know. Not everybody knew about us before, but that's gonna change."

I drop my own pack and slip my arms around his waist. "I was _hoping_ it would change," I tell him. "Considering I wasn't going to retire and _not_ be open about us."

He cups my face. "Have I told you how lucky I am to have you?"

"Not recently." I kiss him, and this lasts a long time until we hear someone clear their throat at our door.

"Am I interrupting something?"

It's Romo Lampkin. I see Saul's mouth turn downwards. "What do you want?"

"Admiral, I was looking for your son. Have you seen him?"

I shake my head.

He holds out a sheaf of papers. "We're drawing up plans for the settlement. I thought he might like some input but he seems to have gone on walkabout. Would you like to be involved?"

I turn to look at Saul.

He shrugs. "Why not?" He looks a little surprised.

"Good." Lampkin hands Saul a large sheet of paper. "I was looking for a go-between with the Cylons." Saul opens his mouth to protest, but then he shuts it.

"Okay," he says finally. "I can try to do that."

"I appreciate it, Colonel. We hope to start the building as soon as we can. We don't know for sure what time of year it is, but winter could be upon us and we want to be ready. Don't want a repeat of New Caprica."

"No, we do not," Saul agrees.

"So," Lampkin continues, "have you gentlemen put any thought to future plans, now that there's no more military need?"

Saul and I look at each other. I hadn't thought beyond asking him to marry me, and I've done that. I suspect, though, that this isn't what Lampkin's asking about.

Saul leans in close to give us a bit of privacy. "What do you think?"

"I don't know. Hadn't thought about it," I confess.

Saul rubs his chin. "Well…"

"What?"

"It's a crazy idea," he cautions.

"What is it?"

"I had it in mind for New Caprica, maybe one day, if, you know, we hadn't left."

"Spit it out."

"A bar." He's looking at me speculatively, like he's afraid I'll refuse. "It kind of kept me going when I was in… when I was in detention, the planning, you know? I kind of imagined this place where crew from _Galactica_ could come hang out. Former pilots and stuff. Cozy little pub. Like they had on Aerilon. I mean, I know I didn't really grow up there, but I still kind of thought…" He trails off.

"A cozy little pub," I repeat.

"You don't like it," he says.

"No." I take his hand. "I do. Actually, I think it's a really good idea,." I'm starting to get excited about this prospect. "A cozy little pub."

He drops a quick kiss to my forehead and grins. I love seeing him smile all the time like this. "Okay," he turns to Lampkin. "I'll go talk to the Cylons about this city planning stuff, and we're building a pub."

"A pub." Lampkin nods. "Nice choice."

Saul beams.

"Was that too crazy?" he asks me, after Lampkin leaves.

"Nope." I shake my head. "I think it's just the right amount of crazy."

It's equal parts scary and exciting, what's laying in front of us. I still remember how I felt when I found out about Saul, but that feels like a distant memory now. He's Saul. He just happens to be a Cylon.

"So," he says, leaning in closer, "I think we ought to celebrate our engagement, don't you?" His breath is hot against my ear and I shiver. There's nothing I'd like more than to pull him down on the rickety little cot, but one of us has to have his wits about him.

"In a tent with no lock?"

He glances at the door, then reaches down to unfasten his boots. He steps out of them and then deposits them outside the tent. Someone must see him out there because he gives a little wave. I cringe.

"Now, now," he says placatingly. "What do you _think_ they think we're going to do? You're my fiancé."

I grin. "I guess it's to be expected. Now, c'mere."

Later that night, there's a party to celebrate everyone having moved off the ships. It seems like there are so many and I realize how I really spent all those years just on _Galactica_ , never getting a chance to see many civilians.

There's a band playing and people dancing; after we finish our dinner, Saul pulls me out into the middle of them.

I'm almost immediately conscious of people staring.

"They know you're a Cylon," I say, as he leads us through the slow song.

"Doesn't matter," he mutters. "Unless you care?"

"Not a bit." I kiss him lightly and try not to let the stares get to me. I am fully aware, though, that the vast majority of people are strangers and that they won't see our marriage as any different from how I originally saw Helo and Athena's.

If I believed in the gods, I'd say this was some kind of test.

"I say frak 'em," he says, and he seems to take great pleasure in kissing me thoroughly.

It won't be easy, I know, but as I kiss him back, I think I'm lucky to have made it this far. I know this, and he knows this—the people that matter know this. Nothing else matters.


End file.
